Where Left Is Right / The Old Site

Unable to fathom the depth of The Weasel's inhumanity following his latest gaffe, and unable to reach the likewise off-duty press secretary Scott McClellan for clarification, I decided to chance getting in touch with my only inside-the-misAdministration contact: Secretary of Doctrine Alfredo de Darque.

(For earlier reports on this newest of Cabinet-level positions, see here, here, here, and here.)

As before, I was not able to speak with de Darque on the phone, but had to rely on an e-mail interview. Nevertheless the Secretary appeared to have been hovering over the keyboard waiting for a deluge of questions on the subject, for he had immediate answers to my questions. (It was one of the strangest e-mail conversations I've ever had in my 17 years of being online, the questions and answers flying back and forth with barely a minute separating them -- almost like an instant-message session.) An unedited, copied-and-pasted transcript follows.

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WLIR: Dear Secretary de Darque: Are you there? We e-mailed back and forth a couple of weeks ago for an interview posted on my blog, Where Left Is Right. I'd like to ask you some more questions if I may, about the WeasPresident's recent explanation of why he won't meet with Cindy Sheehan.

The first question (assuming, of course, that you're willing to take questions about it! :) is related specifically to your own area of responsibility: administration doctrine. Does the WeasPresident's comment that he needs to "get on with his life" signal a new doctrinal initiative?

AdD: Hello and yes of course I remember you LOL. About your question which was very shrewd btw, yes absolutely.

In general of course it's safe to assume that if The President makes a claim publicly then that claim immediately rises to the level of doctrine.

But specifically about this claim, it is true you know: The President DOES need to get on with his life. That will become one of our main quote unquote talking points almost a quote unquote mantra over the next few days and weeks, especially while The President remains on his much-deserved vacation.

WLIR: I'm not sure I understand, though. How would meeting with Cindy Sheehan prevent his getting on with his life?

AdD: Any Presidency not just The President's needs to set priorities. Prior to my very first Cabinet meeting The President's chief of staff gave me the list of the top 20 priorities which apply to President Bush's Administration, at least at that point in his second term of office. They are, in order of descending importance:

(1) Fighting terrists. (This one as you know was recently changed to extremists which is much easier to say correctly.) (2) Talking to dick. (3) Talking to Dick. HA! (The exclamation is not mine but appeared in the margin of the printed list, in The President's own handwriting.) (4) Listening to Karl. (5) Meeting with supporters. (6) Remembering to say good night to the lump in the bed. (7) Fixin social security. (8) Meeting with Tony Blair. (9) Learnign to tie a tie so I can get rid of this darned clip-on thing, it's practically chokin me to death. (10) Appointing folks. (11) Remind myself every day to ask Karl for the code to launch the nucular things. (12) Nap. (13) Mentioning 9/11. (14) Standing in front of bay window in the White House. (15) Clearing brush. (16) Talk clearly into all microphones so the American people can hear every word. (17) Practicing grin while shavin. (18) Classifying documents. (19) Ridin bike. (20) Getting on with my life.

So as you can see there just is no room in The President's schedule for anything like 'meeting with grieving mother' or 'finding out why grieving mother wants to talk to me' or anything like that.

WLIR: Yes, it IS a busy schedule. Maybe if Cindy Sheehan took some of her donations and turned them over to the Republican Party, she might get squeezed in under #5.

Getting back to the point, though, I don't really see how the President's remarks qualify as doctrine -- at least as you've described doctrine to me in the past.

AdD: > she might get squeezed in under #5.
Right! We really don't see that happening though LOL.

About your question. Doctrine becomes doctrine when it's repeated often enough. Basicly, except for the priorities I sent you in my previous message, 'The President needs to get on with his life' will from now on be the catch-all answer to ANY questions about why doesn't The President do this or why doesn't The President do the other thing. Whoever the spokesman or spokeswoman is just says 'The President needs to get on with his life.' Of course the words don't have to be exactly that, we're sensitive to the needs of the American public for variety.

Take for instance a couple of questions that keep coming up at press conferences, especially since Jeff Gannon moved on to other things. One of them goes something like this, 'Mr. President why don't you set a timetable for troop withdrawal from Iraq?' The President can press his lips together look grim maybe raise his eyebrows and wrinkle his forehead a little and just say, 'The president needs to get on with his life. That's the great thing about being president.'

Or some reporter might ask Scotty McClellan that tired question about how come The President used to say he'd get rid of anybody who revealed the name of a CIA agent but now he says the person has to be CONVICTED of revealing an agent's name, even if the person has basicly confessed to it. Scotty can just say, 'Come on, you know even presidents have to get on with their lives at some point.' Change the wording a little, mix things up, keep everybody grinning, see?

In fact I'll let you in on a little secret if you promise you won't quote me on it. You probably remember The President's father used to say he wanted to be remembered as 'The Education President.' OUR President Bush wants to go his dad one better. In an upcoming weekly Presidential radio address, President Bush will announce his newest ambition: to be The Right to Get On With Life President. We want to introduce the initiative gradually and feel The President has already done a good job laying the groundwork for it during the first 4+ years of his Presidency.