Where Left Is Right / The Old Site

WASHINGTON (July 28) - In a wide-ranging press conference today, President Bush's newest cabinet member emphasized a message of encouragement to the Administration's conservative supporters.

"Things are falling into place," said Secretary of Doctrine Alfredo de Darque. "Looking into our crystal ball, we see complete end-to-end uniformity just over the horizon: uniformity in official policies, official statements, and official philosophies.

"America will once again speak with one voice," de Darque said.

The question-and-answer session with reporters, de Darque's first since assuming office, was held in the former White House chapel on the second floor of the West Wing, which has been converted to a press room. Stained glass windows are still in place on the west wall, and reporters sat in pews, taking notes by the light of candles lining the aisles.

Most questions focused on the day's most important issues. These issues included the launch of the space shuttle Discovery and subsequent freeze on further launches; the nomination of John G. Roberts, Jr., to fill the Supreme Court vacancy left by Associate Justice Sandra Day O'Connor; the recent redefinition of the war on terror as a war on extremism; and the ongoing public controversy about Presidential advisor Karl Rove's involvement in revealing the identity of an undercover CIA employee.

De Darque received plaudits from the press corps for answering most questions straightforwardly. For example, when asked how Discovery's "debris problem" (as one reporter called it) would affect the Administration's message, de Darque said, "The message is the same. And that message is that the President looks forward to putting this behind us. He will set no timetable for solving the problem. Setting a timetable would send the wrong signal to extremists in the scientific and engineering communities."

A follow-up question asked what signal the Secretary was referring to. He said, "Come on. If you were an extremist physicist, wouldn't you be encouraged to step up your efforts to solve the problem, well before the problem was actually ready to be solved?" Pews squeaked as reporters shifted their weight, evidently in discomfort.

Concerning the new "war on extremism" terminology, de Darque emphasized its usefulness in more situations than its predecessor, the "war on terror."

"A terrorist is, well, a terrorist. Somebody who wants to strike terror. But an extremist doesn't necessarily want to strike terror. You might say all terrorists are extremists but not all extremists are terrorists.

"The guy in the car wash who washes your car with a scouring pad, is he a terrorist? No," de Darque said. "But he's definitely an extremist. He's an extremist of car hygiene. Are you with us or are you with that guy? There's no middle ground."

One reporter asked if the war on extremism might extend to domestic situations, such as people who bomb abortion clinics. "No, that won't happen," de Darque said. "Those people aren't extremists. In fact, we prefer to think of them as soldiers in the war on pro-choice extremists."

De Darque went on to compare the reaction of prominent Democrats to the Roberts nomination, and the reaction of "pretty much the same people, plus the mainstream media" to Rove's present difficulties.

"Anytime you see people getting their back up about something," he said, "you first have to look at it as a possible case of extremism.

"That's why it's so important that Judge Roberts continue to smile benignly in the face of pointed questions about his work for the President's father. And that's why it's so important that Karl continue to do his job and ignore the nay-sayers. Not even nay-sayers, but extremists, see? Boat-rockers. In a civil democracy there's no place for contentiousness of that sort."

Secretary de Darque pointed out that President Bush had pledged to restore civility to government as early as the 2000 Presidential election. "It's about time we let him do that, don't you think? We call on all Americans to stop asking questions," he said. "Not counting you gentleman and ladies of course," he joked, referring to the press corps.

The press conference ended abruptly when de Darque warned that he had had way too much pizza for lunch and was "about to show you some real extremism."