Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Department of Doctrine
In light of all the recent White House-directed rewriting of research reports (thoughtfully compiled by the folks at Think Progress), you may find the following wire-service story interesting -- especially because, as far as I can tell, it exists online nowhere else. (It was buried on page A6 of the local newspaper.)
Doctrinal nominee named
WASHINGTON, June 21 -- President Bush has nominated University of Florida professor Alfredo de Darque as the country's first Secretary of Doctrine.
During a brief afternoon ceremony in the Rose Garden, the President said, "Al de Darque is one of the smartest men I know. He knows a lotta stuff I don't know." Mr. Bush continued,"On the way out here this afternoon he told me a story about changin' the cartridge in his new Epson inkjet printer. It was pretty complicated." A small group of supporters, including cabinet staff and representatives of the White House press corps, met the President's remarks with polite applause.
The Department of Doctrine was established in May by executive order. Its chief function is to ensure consistency between documents produced by federal agencies and bureaus on the one hand, and official policies on the other. A White House source explained that a Cabinet-level position was needed for this purpose because, the source said, "Scientists, doctors, lawyers, pretty much anybody with an advanced degree -- they don't really have any business writing official documents. They've all got axes to grind and they're pretty much all loose cannons."
Background information provided at the ceremony said that Professor de Darque is the only child of immigrant parents, although their country of origin was not named. He has been at the University of Florida for 12 years, principally in the Public Information Office. Off-campus, he is the majority stockholder in Internet startup NewzHurtz.com.
After President Bush's introductory remarks, Professor de Darque explained why he thought he was well qualified to head the new department. "I am the only child of immigrant parents," he said, "although the country of origin is not important."
He continued, "Believe me, I know first-hand how important it is that everyone be on the same page. When you're in a sinking rowboat you want to get to the shore. You don't want to be arguing about whether the water is wet, or how fast it's coming in through the cracks. Everybody's got to row, d--- it, row!"
The Department of Doctrine's first priority will be to finalize the mission report for an as yet unnamed Martian rover, scheduled for launch in December with a landing two months later. Early drafts of the mission report have been prepared by NASA and the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) with the assistance of White House editors.
A copy of one of these early drafts was leaked to the press in April. At that time, the rover was tentatively called Moses, because it was intended to rove the Martian landscape for up to forty years before its battery ran out. The draft mission report noted that Moses had found no sign of life on Mars and that therefore exploring the Red Planet for oil and gas reserves should be the next national scientific priority.
The draft report recommended that a petroleum-exploration contractor be named at once. The name of the contractor was blacked out with crayon for national security purposes.
The leak of the early version of the Moses mission report allegedly sparked the President's determination to establish a Department of Doctrine, although he had not read the report himself.
"Why do they need more than one version?" the President reportedly said in a heated meeting with staff and supporters from the White House press corps. "Heck, I graduated from a darned good college and that whole time I never had to write something more than once.
"I'm fed up with all this back-and-forth," he went on. "From now on when we got somethin' to say, there won't be no draft," he is said to have joked.
Doctrinal nominee named
WASHINGTON, June 21 -- President Bush has nominated University of Florida professor Alfredo de Darque as the country's first Secretary of Doctrine.During a brief afternoon ceremony in the Rose Garden, the President said, "Al de Darque is one of the smartest men I know. He knows a lotta stuff I don't know." Mr. Bush continued,"On the way out here this afternoon he told me a story about changin' the cartridge in his new Epson inkjet printer. It was pretty complicated." A small group of supporters, including cabinet staff and representatives of the White House press corps, met the President's remarks with polite applause.
The Department of Doctrine was established in May by executive order. Its chief function is to ensure consistency between documents produced by federal agencies and bureaus on the one hand, and official policies on the other. A White House source explained that a Cabinet-level position was needed for this purpose because, the source said, "Scientists, doctors, lawyers, pretty much anybody with an advanced degree -- they don't really have any business writing official documents. They've all got axes to grind and they're pretty much all loose cannons."
Background information provided at the ceremony said that Professor de Darque is the only child of immigrant parents, although their country of origin was not named. He has been at the University of Florida for 12 years, principally in the Public Information Office. Off-campus, he is the majority stockholder in Internet startup NewzHurtz.com.
After President Bush's introductory remarks, Professor de Darque explained why he thought he was well qualified to head the new department. "I am the only child of immigrant parents," he said, "although the country of origin is not important."
He continued, "Believe me, I know first-hand how important it is that everyone be on the same page. When you're in a sinking rowboat you want to get to the shore. You don't want to be arguing about whether the water is wet, or how fast it's coming in through the cracks. Everybody's got to row, d--- it, row!"
The Department of Doctrine's first priority will be to finalize the mission report for an as yet unnamed Martian rover, scheduled for launch in December with a landing two months later. Early drafts of the mission report have been prepared by NASA and the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) with the assistance of White House editors.
A copy of one of these early drafts was leaked to the press in April. At that time, the rover was tentatively called Moses, because it was intended to rove the Martian landscape for up to forty years before its battery ran out. The draft mission report noted that Moses had found no sign of life on Mars and that therefore exploring the Red Planet for oil and gas reserves should be the next national scientific priority.
The draft report recommended that a petroleum-exploration contractor be named at once. The name of the contractor was blacked out with crayon for national security purposes.
The leak of the early version of the Moses mission report allegedly sparked the President's determination to establish a Department of Doctrine, although he had not read the report himself.
"Why do they need more than one version?" the President reportedly said in a heated meeting with staff and supporters from the White House press corps. "Heck, I graduated from a darned good college and that whole time I never had to write something more than once.
"I'm fed up with all this back-and-forth," he went on. "From now on when we got somethin' to say, there won't be no draft," he is said to have joked.
